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Saturday, May 30, 2015

It may surprise you to learn (as it certainly surprised me) that post-grad life isn't all it's cracked up to be. While I was busy being excited about the prospect of never having to take a final at Berkeley again, I failed to realize that school is what I had dedicated the last 17 or so years of my life to, and that it was abruptly coming to an end. This sudden lack of purpose has left me with a pretty depressing sense of placelessness (if this is even a word...??).

In college, I had my own world going on. I had my job, I had my studies, I had my acquaintances, I had my belongings, my apartment, etc. It actually mattered if I got up in the morning and did something or not (What would my team do without its Team Leader??). Now,,,not so much. Take tomorrow for example: Both my boyfriend and best friend will be at work...and that about sums up the connections I have here in LA. I can't find a summer job for the life of me, and my real job doesn't start until August.

But I don't think it's the lack of friends or job that's bothering me.

I have come to the realization that no space here is really mine. I'm moving all my stuff down from Berkeley and I'm struggling to figure out where I will put all of my belongings. I'm leaving a little here, a little there,..I'm just trying to squeeze my stuff into other people's rooms. Actually, I'm also trying to squeeze myself back into their lives now, when I had my very own life/space/schedule/job just 2 weeks ago. I no longer call the shots, and I hate it.

This is hard. I feel like I've left my real life behind. I feel really really homesick for a place that I know doesn't exist anymore. I often catch the thought "I want to go home." in my head. But how do you do that when you don't actually have a home?

p.s. hi yandi.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Dado hasta un puñete (siempre que no sea muy profundo).

If you know me at all then you know that I have a strained relationship with my mother. However, if you know me really well then you know that I also keep a mental list of things my mom did right in order to keep myself from going nuts. The list includes things like how she enforced the use of Spanish in my household, or how she paid for my braces. Little things to keep me sane.

Recently I've added "resourcefulness" to the list.

I've entered a stage in my life where I'm incredibly grateful I grew up poor. I think that without that history, I'd be missing a lot of the qualities I actually really love about myself. Being poor teaches you a lot about resilience, humility, and sharing good fortune when it's available. I think I have a lot of values within myself that I don't see in others my own age, and although I wish these values could have been instilled me in some other way, I am very grateful that they are here nonetheless.

But the point on resiliency and its resulting resourcefulness is what I wanted to talk about today.

My sister and I were recently recalling how good my mom was at extending meals. What I mean by this is that she could take what most of you eat in a day and make it last at least 3.
If you ever look closely at a corn tortilla, you'll notice that they all have one side that has a very thin top layer. It's slightly raised and can be easily peeled off. If you look at the picture below, you'll see what I mean.
My mom called this la cara de la tortilla. She used to peel them all off all the tortillas, and boom, suddenly we had twice the amount of food, or at least the illusion that we did. She would throw all of those peelings in a pan with an egg and the rising of the egg made it look like we had even more food! Then, she'd throw in a couple of diced hot dogs (the type that cost about 89 cents per  8 pack) and dinner was served. That left us with tortillas and extra eggs for the next day. 

And you know, my mouth still waters at the thought of that. She called dishes like that mindongos which is just a made up Spanish word for "mixture". A mixture of anything you can find in the fridge. You don't get resourceful like that until you have to. Like when you're a mom trying to feed kids on an $8,000/year salary. So there you go mom, that's another thing I am grateful for. 

To this day, I look forward to the first of the month because that's when the food stamps came in and I knew as I walked home from school that there would be food in the fridge. Also to this day, my stomach twists in a knot on the 9th of every month because that was the day our rent was due and we were never quite on time to say the least. Maybe I could do without residual effects like that, but I wouldn't trade the person I became for the world. 

Thursday, April 23, 2015

I've never thought of myself as a particularly kind person. I can hold a grudge like nobody's business and I have no problem with completely cutting someone out of my life. I curse like a sailor and scoff at everyone's Instagram photos. Oh, and the other day some guy fell asleep in class and I thought he was being so rude that I actually kicked his chair to wake him up (I'm aware that I kinda stepped on my own point there).

Needless to say, when my boss gave me an award for exemplifying the value of Kindness last night at a mixer, I was pretty confused. My first thought was that maybe she just couldn't think of any other single word to describe me and so she went with a super generic word instead, just to cover all her bases. But then I decided to give myself the benefit of the doubt and actually think about the ways in which I may actually be kind.

I won't bore you with the finer details of my thought process or my poor attempts at justifying some of my more questionable actions...but I will say this: Most of the times that I have reacted impulsively or angrily, it has been in response to someone who wasn't being kind. When I have cut someone out of my life, it has been because they did something so unkind that I couldn't bear to associate with them any longer. When I curse like a sailor, it is usually because I have witnessed or heard about something incredibly unjust, and curse words are the only ways I can express the outrage I feel.

I kicked that kid's chair because I felt that he was being disrespectful to someone who was standing at the front of the room teaching their life's passion.

And who doesn't scoff at Instagram photos?

Maybe I'm a nicer person than I thought.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

"Unos nacen con estrella y otros nacen estrellados."

"Well, no one said life is fair."
"The universe owes you nothing, It was here first."
"God wouldn't give you anything you can't handle."
"It could be worse."
"Everything happens for a reason."
and so on and so forth.

People everywhere will try to tell you that whatever bad fate has befallen you is pretty much entirely your fault and/or the way it HAS to be. That's just the way the cookie crumbles and you have to deal with it. Oh, and you better not be mad about your situation either because that makes you a terrible person that no one wants to be around.
You know what you'll never hear?: "Yeah, that really sucks. I'd be pissed off too. You deserve better than the cards you've been dealt."

Why is it not okay to complain? Yes, the world isn't fair, I see your point and I totally agree. But guess what? You have every right to be angry. I'm not saying that it's acceptable to live your life wallowing in self-pity and not even try, I'm just saying you shouldn't ever let anybody else tell you how you should and should not feel.

(You know what's the worst one? "If you work hard enough, anything is possible." Uh-huh. Tell that to an immigrant farm worker in Salinas.)

I'm not trying to spread the bitterness, really. That's not at all what this is about. I've just recently come to the realization that, yes, I've spent a lot of time being bitter about things, but I've spent even more time feeling guilty about being unhappy. How twisted.

People are given things they can't handle all the time.
Sometimes it really can't get much worse.
Most of the time, horrible things happen for no reason at all.
And if you've worked really hard and been a really good person, you're not crazy for being disappointed when a little good fortune never came back your way.

Feel your feelings!

Friday, February 13, 2015

Tanto que se friega uno en ir a la escuela y para que? Una montana de deuda y la perdida de fe en la humanidad. Que gasto de tiempo!

Me faltan los acentos en este parafo pero nimodo. No se como anadirlos en este programa.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

I have this very quotable professor. My lecture notes are full of stuff like this:

"What do I do if there's a bag of cookies in my house? I eat them! I really, really do!" - on controlling your environment.

"What you're saying may be true, but I hate you nonetheless." - on learning to take criticism.

I can't wait to go to class tomorrow :)

Monday, January 26, 2015

Treasured Moment of Last Week

I was standing outside the school I was supposed to interview at and was about to go in when my boyfriend noticed that there was a ton of his cat's hair on my blazer. He promptly jumped out of the car and whipped out his lint roller (which he always has on hand) and began to wipe me down, very much against my will. Other applicants were passing by and staring at me since I imagine we looked ridiculous.

"Stop it, you're embarrassing me!"
"I know. I'm sorry pudding, but I can't let you go in like this."

Although mortified then, I find it unbearably adorable now.